Funny Bad Life Tips

Do you ever ask yourself why did I get out of bed today? Is this all there is to life? And where the hack I left my car keys?

Don't despair; it's not too late to turn your life around! Well, unless you are really old (like 30); in that case I suggest alcohol. If you are still a useful member society (under 30), I gathered some life tips that without a doubt change your life in such a deep and profound way, you won't even notice!

So with all that said and down, now it's time to seat down, lean back, open your mind, scratch your tummy, cluck like a chicken and read this pearls of wisdom:

1. Every morning smile to your mirror!
But why stop there? Smile to your kitchen table, to your living room sofa and to your iron board. Beware, don't smile to your dishwasher it may take it as provocation.

2. Always put your smile on!
People will assume you are a crazy person and won't mess with you.

3. Be kind to others!
Send me money.

4. Live every day like it is your last!
Crawl into a corner and cry.

5. Live every day to the fullest!
When going to the bathroom take a newspaper!

6. Drinking is not a solution
Unless we are talking about alcohol.

7. Better to give, than to receive
True only on case of infections

8. Clothes don't make the man!
But being naked will get you arrested.

9. Don't put all your eggs in one basket!
Put all of then in the fridge they will last longer.

10. Remember everybody makes mistakes!
And you will have the opportunity to laugh on them.

11. Always follow your dreams!
Just be sure to check that Pamela Anderson is also on board.

12. Give a man a fish and he might take it the wrong way...

13. Honesty is the best policy, at least that what Pamela always telling me.

14. Time is money.
Stop reading stupid articles!

Britney Spears Quotes

“I always listen to ‘NSYNC’s Tearin’ Up My Heart. It reminds me to wear a bra.”

“Marry Prince William? I’d love that. Who wouldn’t want to be a princess?”

“I like to poo.”

“I’m rich, freakin’ rich. It’s crazy.”

“I did not have implants, I just had a growth spurt.”

“I always call my cousin because we’re so close. We’re almost like sisters, and we’re also close because our moms are sisters.”

“I’m famous, but I’m not famous like freaking Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston.”

“I performed at Mom and Dad’s party when I was four. Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song and I peed myself.”

“I get to go to alot over overseas places, like Canada.”

“Where the hell is Australia anyway?”

“I like most of the places I`ve been to, but I`ve never really wanted to go to Japan, simply because I don`t like eating fish, and I know that`s very popular out there in Africa.”

Employee of the Month

This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff members.

Thank you,

The Management

Keep Smiling

worldofseth videos

Dogs at the Vet

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they strike up a conversation. The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, ‘So why are you here?’. The brown Lab replies, ‘I’m a pisser. I piss on everything… the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.’ The black Lab says, ‘So what is the vet going to do?’ ‘Gonna cut my nuts off,’ comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. ‘They reckon it’ll calm me down.’

The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, ‘Why are you here?’. The yellow Lab says, ‘I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch.’ ‘So what are they going to do to you?’ the black Lab inquires. ‘Looks like I’m losing my nuts too’, the dejected yellow Lab says.

The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, ‘Why are you here?’ ‘I’m a humper,’ the black Lab says… ‘I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away’. The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and say, ‘So, nuts off for you too, huh?’. The black Lab says, ‘No, I’m here to get my nails clipped’.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She’s a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the “birds and bees” talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It’s another man.
Ugly: He’s your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.